Small penises have feelings too.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
