I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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