guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
