My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
