1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
