Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
