he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
