my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
