"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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