ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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