ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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