New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Alive.
So much puke
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
