South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
