you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
