Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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