You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
