I have demons in me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
