i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
