I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
