im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
