I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My ATM looks so different sober.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
