Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
