...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
