I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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