My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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