Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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