i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
