my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
