The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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