I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
