I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
