I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
