you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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