doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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