all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
