I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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