I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
