I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
