I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
