i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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