also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
