mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
