i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You were trust falling into bushes
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
