I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
