i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
