this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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