It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
