I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
