im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
