Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
