Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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